I was at Santa Monica a couple weeks ago skating and was feeling bored.  So I decided to pop some tags in hopes to fill an empty void inside of my soul that only shopping, drugs, alcohol, women and the internet can temporary relieve.  Awesome!  I strut into “Wasteland” which is the elder to buffalo exchange.  They got a couple of em in LA.  I’m walking around sulking, and I run into these big old pointy perforated leather dogs.  

Now, mind you, I’d been in LA for around 4-5 days at this point and once you hit the one week mark, even Ed Hardy shirts start looking filthy.  So I try em on, and start walking around.  I spend the next 10 minutes looking at them in different mirrors, thinking somehow the light wasn’t hitting em right.  I could tell the hipster girls working their thought I was gonna mash out in em.  Getting self conscious around the 5th mirror I decided to ride with em.  The minute I got back to crib, I knew Los Angeles had gotten the best of me.  I made a mistake.   

For one, each shoe is pointed slightly outward, so it feels like you have the wrong shoe on the wrong foot.  This not only turns out to be extremely uncomfortable but it just looks retarded. Sneaky Pete (The name of the shoe) is an asshole for selling these dyslexic albino bananas to tourists who come to LA and become blindsided by overpriced ripped denim, bedazzled t-shirts, and shoes like these that are marketed to the modern metrosexual with an eating disorder and a haircut that belongs to someone with a vagina.  If you ever need to check more then 2 different mirrors to make sure the kicks are tight, walk away.  You’ll save yourself $34.99.  

When I got back to the town I sold em to billy the fridge for the $90.  He’s corner store Ed Hardy certified.  His bedazaldly gleaming snake skin of fire t-shirt gets the Yucky stamp of approval.  But only for the fridge.

  

Then every once and a while I come up with something mildly genius.  Jordan 5 lace locks on the vans…Yes, I know.  You should have thought of that.  

If you don’t know, this is Budo.  He is a producer with extraordinary talent, a tech savvy trouble shooting genius, a jew, a skilled runner, a trumpet player, a guitar player, a piano player,  hilariously witty and is one of my favorite humans in this life game.  

This kinda shit gets me every time.  They purposely put the milk in the back of the store, so you have to walk past the age old battle of bear vs. wolf.  For $34.99 I was close.  But you gotta feel like a dick if you go in for Vitamin Water and leave with this piece of frozen history while our country’s in a recession.    
Brilliant design.  Smoke a cigarette while getting high on burning metal and paint all at once. Someone messed up.

Just so you know, if you ever see a woman in this hat you get a BJ.  Wherever you are.  She’ll be smoking Virginia Slims, drinking a good beer like Keystone Light at a camp fire in Enumclaw wearing bright red lipstick and an off shade pink polar-fleece to “match”, shit faced drunk at dusk still in her pajamas.  Say “I like your hat.”      

Who buys this hat?  Seriously.  Fresh off of work, pumping some gas into the Ford F150 you stomp inside for a big hunk, a 24oz of Monster and BAM!  There it is.  This is the hat you’ve been looking for your whole life and you didn’t even know it.  You smile, cause you know all those guys with the stickers on their horizontal brims are gonna be staring at you when you walk into Alderwood Mall with this curved creation of the lord on you head.  You are a man of FAITH. And you’re not afraid to let any pussy know it.  

You can thank American Apparel for ruining Bulldog/Huskie purp sweatshirts for at least the next 2 years.  While hipsters are gentrifying the hood all over our country, American Apparel is gentrifying the sweatshirt game.  Or something like that.