A frequent problem that arises while thrift shopping is when to cop sports gear, and when to let it go. The initial adrenaline rush of finding a vintage “Rose Bowl” sweatshirt or a Shawn Kemp jersey can lead to irrational justifications, binge spending and a closet full of bullshit. The key is to check yourself before you get attached. Nostalgia is a motherfucker, and so is entertaining the possibility that some complete stranger’s childhood throwaways have any monetary or sentimental value. Play out a scenario in your head. “That’s not memorabilia, that a children’s size Mark Price Jersey. The only thing vintage about it is the 22 years of saturated waiting pool piss that has soaked into the mesh. I’m gonna pass on this one.” Good. Let’s try it on some real items.

I know, I know. IT’S THE HAWKS! Back when they had a cool logo and everything. And it’s only $2.99! FUCK YES! Alright, calm down. Whoever wore this back in the late 90’s (it’s not THAT old) rocked it enough to leave perma dandruff stains and sweat induced stretch marks around the collar. That dingy doo doo brown color that is fighting the royal blue and winning, will never be fresh. And here’s the kicker…will you ever wear this? The answer is no. Put it down. Move on.

Unless you coach the women’s Softball team at the UW there is absolutely no reason why you should ever consider buying this. The person that coached the women’s team hated the jacket enough to give it away. You don’t need it either.

If you squint hard enough it looks like a wool Members Only with a Mariners Logo on it. In theory, this is a great jacket. But take another gander at the pocket area. Yep. Someone got a little too excited while screaming “1, it’s under 1!” during the “Hat Trick” and ruined a perfectly good jacket.

Skeet. The death of 2nd hand goods.

I feel you. It does kinda look like a starter. And if you lived in Russia I’m sure you could trick all your homies. But let’s evalute this situation. One, it’s a Russian hockey jacket. “But that’s kinda cool, it’s different” you think to youself. No. You have no idea what that Soviet Missel Crisis/USSR gang bang/Communist symbol really means. You rock that shit around town and you’re liable to get slapped by this guy.

If it looks like you could be interpreted as a gang member in the Ukraine, let the jacket be.

Nope, your names not Judge James. But fuck it. That little Moose logo is killing the embroidered horse riding midget any day. Now turn the jacket over.

Not only is there a big woven depiction of a grazing moose about to get sniped in the woods…it’s an International Moose! Rare find indeed my friend. You rationalize the killing of an innocent animal “hunting isn’t a sport…it’s a lifestyle!” Charlton Heston would be proud. But take away the blood in your boner and what do you have? A jacket that is going to sit in the closet. After you wear it to the hipster dive bar, desperately fishing for compliments, you’re never going to touch it again. It’s close, I agree. But worth $6.99? Don’t do it.