As many of you know, I’ve been sober for the last 2 years and some change now. And yes, sober from even weed. On the reg I have a familiar conversation around my sobriety that goes something like “That’s awesome that you’re sober! But you still smoke weed right”….”No. I’m old school sober. From everything. But thank you for the free nugs, I will give them to my trumpet player”.
Now, I love a good energy drink. Being sober and constantly tired before/after shows I’ve come to appreciate a little boost when I’m feeling boo boo. And when I was drinking back in my hay day, there was nothing like that insta headache, “I don’t give a fuck about shit right now!” scrap with your homie, accidently hit him in the nose, make him bleed, piss in public and get that “I don’t give a fuck that I pissed on my jeans!” vibe that malt liquor gave me. It was the best. Until I almost got expelled from Garfield and was an alcoholic by the age of 15. But that’s a different story. I digress.
So it hit me the other day. I’ll NEVER get to know what it’s like to get drunk off a 4Loko. Everyone’s gonna be reminiscing in 10 years with their decrepit taurine and malt liquor induced livers, and I’m going to on the outside. Alone. I’m gonna be that one guy in the room whose mom never let him buy a Nintendo, silently regretting his childhood in a corner while everybody is reliving “The Legend of Zelda”. But that’s OK. Right? I’m better off without it, correct? Sure. In my lifetime I’ve gotten to experience some pretty horrible malt liqour Drinks. Here’s a couple of the worst.
211? Might hold the crown for the nastiest in the game. I look at the label and immediately get the old taste of death and neglected homework assignments in my mouth.
This fortified “devil’s piss” was so bad that half way through the bottle you’d be swearing that you were never gonna drink again. Alllllmost undrinkable to the human species…Almost.
Ahhhh, YEA! Welcome to Death row. Snoop and Pac? Come on! St. Ides had the coldest marketing scheme post prohibition. Their “reach the kids” campaign absolutely shat on 4Loko’s bright camo “nostalgic crayon color” shindig. And to top it off St. Ides even had mixtapes!
Sure, it was only 6.0% alcohol and wasn’t made with liquid energy, but still. The “Special Brew” will go down in history as the quintesential “remember when we thought we were 2pac” drink, that was the perfect accompaniment to many a dysfunctional weekend back in the late 90’s. Sure, I might not ever have the equivalent to 4 beers and 3 cups of coffee in 1 can. That’s fine. I’ll take 2 Special Brews, a drunken fist fight in a wife beater, a mild throw up in my mouth after hitting a black and mild too hard type of memory, any day over a 4loko.
Wu-Tang is for the children.
There was a corner store in Everett off Casino that would sell St Ides by the case! You got to mix and match to your hearts desire. That was reserved for special occasions of course! A lot of ignorant shit happened because of the “fruity fruit”. I even used to drink it between classes at college. I don’t miss that period of my life that much lol
I can’t wait to get to be nostalgic about my bad decision making. Trying to explain to a friend drinking beer how four loko stops tasting so bad once you drink enough of it. Bumming half a pack of cigarettes off the roommate because you just realized that the cute girl from your biology class is a smoker. Drunkenly jumping from the roof of your friend’s house party onto the roof of the next door barber shop and then shouting at the people down on the sidewalk walking by.
The 7/11 across the street from the U of O campus is the biggest seller of four loko in the state of Oregon. The day we heard the FDA found four loko unfit for human consumption, we bought as many cans as we could fit in our back packs. Bad decision? Probably. But it’s great. It’s guaranteed adventures in a can.
Really enjoying you being back up on your blog game Mack, these posts are great. Is that “trumpet player” Budo by any chance?
so glad the blog’s back up.
and you’re not missing much…i doubt there’ll be any good reminiscence of that 4loko trash.
I’ll have two years in January dude, never got my chance to get in a four loko either before I cleaned up, all this madness over this shit makes it seem like it could top when I’d chase 151 with those cocaine energy drinks they took off the market a couple years back … good to be clean though right and you’re right “yeah that means no weed” take care I’ve been bumpin the vs redux nonstop, that version of the town just grabs onto my heart and keeps my soul warm
That’s what’s up Mack. I remember sippin on St Ides or MD 20/20, and gettin my lady friend a bottle of Boone’s. Nothing can compare to those nights. For me the best ones were playing a show at the Brickhouse and fighting somebody who haggled my shitty band after our set.
Step 1: Drink till you wobble
Step 2: Fight someone over some bullshit
Step 3: Make up
Step 4: Drink again until you hit the floor
Step 5: Try and get laid
Step 6: Piss on yourself and sleep on the floor
It was good times, but I’m glad it’s behind me. P.S. Did you ever take the tips from black and milds and pop a cigarette in there? That’s what was up.
absolutely real – hilarious, and brilliant. also bringing up ironically nostalgic feelings for me (ref: St. Ides). just discovered your music via NPR – you’re like a hip-hop buddha hailing from the NW.
i’m a writer for a new alt. weekly in bend, or – The Bend Beat. would love, love, love an interview or at least to get your ass down here – where far too many people think life is about getting f**ked up.
get in touch with me genius,
tara
You are SO not missing anything!! I have only tried 4loko once and it was the nastiest stuff I have ever tasted. I couldn’t even finish the can it was so disgusting. And this is coming from someone who loved her some Sparks. I think a 5 Hour Energy + beer is good enough for this gal.
Don’t forget about Zima! I used to steal it from the Drug Emporium in Renton when I was 13. No one even thought to suspect I was doing it.
I will never be able to try 4loko either because I’m sober, so you won’t be alone. There have to be more people who are just as cool that aren’t drinking it either.
Besides, I saw a guy get so drunk on Sparks one night that he tried to fight me (I’m a girl half his size). Def not his proudest moment. Remember all the stupid and dangerous shit you did while you were drunk or blacked out and it won’t seem like you’re missing out on anything.
Cheers
a